FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my sisters under your porch take her home
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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