i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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