I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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