Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
