we have officially lost it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
