my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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