Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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