I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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