i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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