i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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