I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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