i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
