Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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