hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
