thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
