Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
