captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
