About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
