I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
