I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Randomize
