i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
