Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
