No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
