The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
