You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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