hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Someone shit on the floor
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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