im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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