Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize