new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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