i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
