I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
