we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize