I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
