Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
