Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
