can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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