The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
