You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
