When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
