JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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