your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
