I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize