So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
