my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
