omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
