I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
