Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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