Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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