I'm so fucking centered right now
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
