I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
