I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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