I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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