After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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