I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
