im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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