So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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