Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I am available for nakedness
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
