I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Drake has all the answers
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
