The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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