Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
